Tips for better relationships across home, work and in society.
Maya Angelou said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
The operative part of that quote is ‘”how people feel”* – and how people feel – that IS their reality. Evolution has ensured we remember how we feel. Inbuilt into our systems – is to avoid pain, and go towards pleasure. Research indicates that 5/6th neural circuitry is dedicated for avoiding pain (only 1/6th is for accepting pleasure) – meaning that we notice and remember the negatives easier and longer than the good things!
It’s important that each person be aware of the effect one’s words and actions has on others.
Appreciation is always appreciated. People like those who are likeable. Being likeable is the most important aspect that enables people to sponsor and promote those they like. So, being appreciative and likeable is the first and most important part of existing in a network organisation. People rarely like those who think they’re smart and that others aren’t.
It might be useful to remember what Prof Richard Boyatzis said, “Self assessment isn’t just illusional, it’s delusional!” Do yourself the greatest favour by taking feedback from others about what you really are! Inspire them to give you honest, unsweetened, direct feedback. That will help you take appropriate steps to become more likeable, making it easier for others to promote you and talk about you to others!
SCARF might be an acronym useful to remember. SCARF helps have better relationships, across all areas in life – work, society, and most importantly, at home!
What is SCARF?
S = Status (Respect), Treat people as being unique, and hence worthy of respect regardless of their roles and titles.
C = Certainty, which is ensuring Clarity in expectations, making requests, promises etc. Be clear in communicating what is expected; avoid suspense and creating an atmosphere of fear!
A = Autonomy, allowing people the freedom to ALWAYS have a choice, and inspiring them; None of us like to feel we have no choice in life – similarly, others would not. Always offer people a choice.
R = Relatedness, which is a human being to human being connection apart from the roles and titles involved; this applies most at home where roles that people play (husband, wife, father, mother, child, sibling) take precedence over other aspects
and the most important of them all,
F = Fairness which is consistency and openness (transparency) – remember we ALL KNOW when we are treated unfairly – so treat others fairly. Without Fairness, all else fails. And remember: Consistency is more important than Perfection!
Cheenu Srinivas
Bharathi Chapter, Chennai
